Chronic Fatigue and Parenting Guilt
- Andrea Jacobs
- Aug 4, 2021
- 6 min read
Exhaustion and young children go hand in hand - the broken nights' sleep of having a newborn, the toddler who manages to get themselves into a precarious situation every time you turn your back, or your primary-aged child who just never seems to stop. Combine this with CFS/ME - and you feel like a constant walking zombie.
Being a mum with chronic fatigue means I feel like I'm constantly saying 'no'. 'No, I won't take you to the park, no, we can't stop at that shop on the way home, no, I won't play in the garden, no, I can't help you make a den out of pillows, no, no, no... mummy, needs to rest!'
Rest is boring to a child, sleeping isn't a fun activity... but you have to learn to say 'no'. And it's not a normal parenting 'no' - the 'no' of don't do that because it's dangerous, or 'no, stop it' because they are acting out. It's 'no' because mummy can't. And then bam - you get whacked in the face with guilt.
The lovely, Mel Ryan, described guilt to me as:
"An involuntary emotional reaction that we have when we feel that we are doing something someone else doesn't want."
You feel you are doing something that your child doesn't want you to do, so you feel 'involuntarily' guilty. You feel you are doing something you 'shouldn't' be doing (as set my societal norms) so you feel 'involuntarily' guilty. This guilt is something we feel as parents with CFS/ME all the time! It's involuntary, you can't help it, all parents well or unwell have it...
But guilt is a waste of energy. If you think about it, completely objectively, feeling guilty doesn't get you anywhere, it makes you feel awful, it takes up a huge amount of brain space and is therefore a total waste of energy! You feel like you 'should' be doing more for your kids, you feel like you aren't the 'perfect' mummy, you compare yourself to others who seem to have great relationships with their kids and wonder why you're so rubbish... on and on. But, hand on heart, I've never met a kid under the age of 6, who'll tell you that their mummy isn't 'the best' (don't get me wrong, a little bit older and they start to realise you're flawed), but when you come back into a room after leaving your toddler they are more than happy to see you (and aren't thinking - why didn't she brush her hair, and bring me a present, why isn't she singing me a nursery rhyme?).
The guilt strikes as a parent, and specifically a parent with CFS/ME, 10,000 times a day. You feel guilty if you shove a frozen pizza in the oven or go to drive-thru McDonalds because you've not got the energy to cook. Guilty your children aren't having perfectly balanced meals, you feel guilty that you aren't introducing them to new flavours and textures, that you aren't a supreme chef with a gourmet kitchen, that you've taught them bad habits, that they'll be somehow be scarred by this one meal due to your lack of care ... whatever the reason, you feel like you've failed. You beat yourself up and you feel guilty. The guilt makes you feel awful - and drains your valuable energy. The guilt doesn't serve you, it doesn't enable you to do 'better', it just makes you feel like crap.
It's easy for me to say... 'cut yourself some slack, there's no need to feel guilty'. But, I'm clued up enough to know, that this is about as useful as telling you to 'pull your socks up', and if you are anything like me, you'll then start feeling guilty for wasting energy that you could have spent on the kids, on feeling guilty! So, over the years, this is what I do to try and lessen the amount of energy I spend on feeling guilty. I put myself in a constant curious state in these situations and think 'Is it true?', 'do I need to feel guilty for making sure my children are looked after and fed?', 'If I didn't feel so guilty, would I be able to enjoy the fact that we are making the right choice for the situation, and a frozen pizza is actually quite fun?'.
Are you allowing guilt to drive your actions and behaviour?
So, take a moment to stop - and ask yourself this question: 'Are you allowing the guilt to drive your actions?' I know what it's like, in the heat of the moment, when they are nagging you to take them to the park ... and you use your last ounce of energy to get them there, and they want you to push them on the swing - and your arms are hurting and you think your going to collapse, but you do it anyway... you push and push yourself - because otherwise you aren't the perfect mummy and you are failing (or you just can't face the tantrum they might throw if you refuse). But, stop and think, and in reality, if you are anything like me, the guilt is there whether or not you say no to the park, whether or not you say no to pushing them on the swings, whether or not, they don't have a park near them ... the guilt is a constant state of being as a parent. As the quote above says it's involuntary - you can't help feeling it - I have it... it's painful, and makes you feel crap.
So listen to your thoughts .. accept that a level of guilt is normal as a parent. If you accept that parenting and feeling guilt somehow intrinsically go hand in hand, and whatever you do, you'll end up feeling guilty... this will help you stop using the guilt as a driver for your actions, behaviour and decisions. And when you do feel guilty, because inevitably you will, question it, really question it, will your kids really think you are a shitty mum if you don't do what it is they are currently whinging about? The answer is probably not.
Can dropping your guilt make you a better* mum?
It goes a little bit further than this for me. I can show you how saying 'no', and being truthful to your limitations can actually teach your kids the valuable lesson of listening and honouring themselves and their truth.
Let's take an example that happened this week. My kids have been invited to a local swimming pool with friends for a swim altogether. I want to go - sounds like a blast, I love swimming, it's with my mates and my family but I know that my current baseline means that I can't do this activity. Plus they aren't missing out because their dad will take them along. Ok, I'm disappointed but I can accept that. But then my son said; 'Mummy, will you come with too - it's really fun when you are there?!', and my daughter added: 'Yeah, mummy come too - I want to show you how I can swim a width without a float now!'. They aren't saying this to make me feel extra guilty, they are saying this, because that is how they feel. Nevertheless, I have to say no. I know it's the right thing to do for me. And I feel guilty. Made worse by the groans and moans when I tell them I'm not coming with them.
So, I take my advice and stop and ask:
Do I need to be feeling guilty for not going swimming with them?
Is this guilt serving/helping me?
Honestly - I'll still feel that twinge of guilt (I'm human!). But I know 100% two things... the first is that they will have a blast without me, come hurrying back into the house to tell me all about it! And second, the guilt isn't serving me. I can use the guilt to drive my actions - go swimming and spend the rest of the week in bed recovering! Or, I can appreciate that this is 'involuntary guilt' and that it is, as I say, a waste of energy. I can have an hour's rest whilst they are out, and be more able to be with them when they are home - or I can lie at home feeling rotten, beating myself up for being a crappy parent, and wasting that precious hour of peace not resting but being nasty to myself.
So, I choose me. It feels abhorrent as a parent. And you want to scream that being ill is properly unfair (and it is). But, in choosing to not feel guilty, to let my kids have fun without me ... and to use the time to rest, I've shown my kids how to be truthful to their own needs, and to stand up for those truths with strength and dignity. I am, in fact, a 'better'* mum because ...
if I went swimming and crashed, I'd be less able to look after them in the following days,
if I went home and didn't rest but beat myself up, I'd be fraught and overwhelmed when they came home and wouldn't be able to share their joy in telling me about their swim,
I had actually shown them that by setting my own boundaries and saying 'no', I'd honoured my need to rest and look after myself.
I hope and pray that this will teach them, through my actions, that sometimes you have to say no, set your boundaries, and that even though it may impact those around you, you're going to stand firm and strong. May they be strong enough to live their truths and not allow guilt to drive their actions.
*I hate this phrase 'better mum', but that's another rant for another blog post. Just know that I think all mums, dads, guardians, grandparents, and carers are fantastic in their own way.
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